


green eggs and horny

by deathishauntedbyhumans



Category: Green Eggs and Ham (Cartoon)
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Crack and Smut, Don't Try This At Home, Established Relationship, Food Sex, M/M, Misuse of Green Eggs, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Post-Canon, Wordcount: 100-1.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-02-10
Packaged: 2021-02-19 14:01:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22646023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deathishauntedbyhumans/pseuds/deathishauntedbyhumans
Summary: They use egg yolk as lube. That’s it, that’s the plot.
Relationships: Guy Am I/Sam I Am (Green Eggs and Ham)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 41





	green eggs and horny

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ForFucksSakeJim](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForFucksSakeJim/gifts).



> jim i hope you appreciate this you motherfucker

“Sam, this is by far the worst idea you have ever had.”

Sam hiccups a laugh, curling his fingers into Guy’s fur to tug him down on top of him. “Oh, I doubt that. I’m sure I’ve had at least  _ one  _ idea that’s been worse than this.”

Guy groans but goes down willingly. “A food fight? Seriously? How are we even going to get ham stains off of the ceiling?”

They both glance up, even though Guy has to crane his neck a lot further to get a good look. Ham grease and egg yolk drip from various spots above them, adding to the overall stickiness of their living room from the food fight that Sam had unceremoniously begun nearly ten minutes prior. 

“We’ll figure something out,” Sam says easily, using the hand he’s got around the back of Guy’s neck to pull him into a kiss. Guy would never admit it, especially not right after a stunt like this, but kissing Sam is something that always feels  _ right,  _ even when nothing else does. “We always do.”

“We don’t usually have  _ ham _ on the  _ ceiling,”  _ Guy gripes, though his complaining is short-lived when Sam arches up  _ just so  _ into him and kisses him again. 

Someday, they are going to have a very, very important conversation about how sex is  _ not  _ always the answer when Sam is in trouble. It will be lengthy and boring and yipping  _ important,  _ whenever Guy actually gets around to saying his piece. Every time something like this happens, he makes another mental note on his mental chalkboard and circles it until his chalk breaks. 

And then Sam does that  _ thing  _ with his tongue, and Guy’s mental chalkboard does a funny little wiggle and erases itself from sight. 

Sam’s dick is already out by the time Guy’s body gets with the program, but all that means is that Sam is rutting against him like he’s in heat, so Guy doesn’t really mind. If anything, it’s nice to see Sam like this every once in awhile, desperate and shuddering for release. 

“You’re going to be the death of me,” Guy murmurs, reaching down and curling his hand around Sam’s length. He revels in the sound that Sam makes, the broken, choked moan that Guy knows comes from somewhere deeper than his throat. “You’ve got eggs in your fur, you monster.”

“Guy, Guy, pleasepleaseplease—“ Sam whines, throwing his head back. Guy chuckles breathlessly, kissing along the short column of his throat. 

“Sorry, I didn’t quite catch that.”

Sam jerks his hips into Guy’s touch. “I  _ need _ you,” he whimpers. Half of Guy wants to tease, to make Sam pay at least a little for the ridiculous food fight. The other half of him is just as horny as Sam is whenever they wind up like this, though, and… Well, that side usually ends up winning the internal argument.

A sudden movement of Sam’s hand catches Guy’s attention, and he watches with unconcealed lust as Sam runs his fingers through his own fur until he’s got them absolutely covered in green egg yolk. He rubs them together once, gives Guy a desperate look, and presses two fingers to his own entrance without giving Guy any time to process just what he’s doing. 

It’s… a sight to see, that’s for yipping sure. Sam’s fingers, slick with green goop, pumping in and out of himself without abandon? It turns Guy on far more than he’s sure he’ll ever care to admit. 

He kisses Sam hard, mostly to distract himself from the lewd whining coming out of Sam’s mouth. Sam tastes just enough like green eggs and ham —like he always does— to make Guy wonder what it would taste like to lick up the yolk from other places on his body. 

Luckily, Sam guides himself onto Guy’s dick before  _ that _ thought can develop any further. 

They come together, because neither of them ever last long unless they’re teasing each other on purpose or one of them is in heat. Sam yelps into his mouth, and Guy pretends he doesn’t let out an embarrassing whine of Sam’s name, his hands fisted tightly in Sam’s fur on his back. 

When they’re curled up together on the couch, sticky and sated and smelling more forcefully of Sam’s favourite meal than usual, Sam giggles sleepily and snuzzles his head against the ruff of fur on Guy’s neck. 

“What?” Guy asks, carding his fingers gently through Sam’s fur in a vain effort to keep it from matting later. 

“Mm, nothing,” Sam hums. “I was just thinking that there’s  _ no way  _ this is the worst idea I’ve ever had, now.”

Guy snorts. “You have a lot of bad ideas,” he replies flippantly. Sam only shuts his eyes happily. 

“I love you too, Guy.”

**Author's Note:**

> this is in my google docs as “objectively the worst thing i’ve ever written” so
> 
> if you still want to find me on tumblr after this trainwreck i’m deathishauntedbyhumans.


End file.
